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Post by Joxcee on Oct 23, 2008 17:29:20 GMT -5
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Post by gams on Oct 23, 2008 22:11:32 GMT -5
At the risk of sounding really corny...or whatever, let me finish the story of the shooting star I saw this morning, because the coincidence of the sequence of events didn't dawn on me until I reflected back while driving to work.
First, I need to say that I am not a spiritual person; I admire those who have faith in whatever they believe in, but at best, if I had to put a label on it and classify myself, I'd fall into that wish-washy category of agnostic. I am not sure what I believe.
I didn't know Mary well, and I'm sorry for that. And this morning I told her so. Just going about my morning routine in the house before the rest of the family was awake, I told her I was sorry for all she suffered in her life. I told her I hoped she was happy finally, and at peace. And I asked her to watch over you, Quetta; you know I'm worried about you, as I'm sure we all are.
Showered, dressed, and grabbed a cup of coffee to take out on the porch before the rest of the family got up. In the morning rush - chaos is a better word for it - I did not connect the one sided conversation I had with Mary, and seeing the shooting star until much later.
Or perhaps it wasn't one sided at all.
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katmandu
Kenin
kenin
Don't Mess With Me, I Bite! =D
Posts: 2,803
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Post by katmandu on Oct 24, 2008 0:25:57 GMT -5
Like Gams I fall into that "wish-washy category of agnostic" yet still can't help but believe Mary is in a far better place right now, and at peace; also like Gams, if that appears corny well I'm quite happy to wear that tag. Thinking of you constantly champ.
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Post by Quettalee on Oct 24, 2008 0:31:03 GMT -5
Thank you, Kat. I don't mean to run off, but I'm going through one of the "anger" moments right now, so I need to go outside and look at the moon and take some deep breaths...or something. Anything. Damn it.
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katmandu
Kenin
kenin
Don't Mess With Me, I Bite! =D
Posts: 2,803
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Post by katmandu on Oct 24, 2008 0:34:50 GMT -5
No worries, you go right ahead and kick something; I'll stay logged in and if you feel like talking later I'll be here.
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Post by gams on Oct 31, 2008 16:19:41 GMT -5
"Witch and ghost make merry on this last of dear October's days." ~ Anonymous
"'Tis the night - the night Of the grave's delight, And the warlocks are at their play; Ye think that without The wild winds shout, But no, it is they - it is they." ~ Arthur Cleveland Coxe
"Shadows of a thousand years rise again unseen, Voices whisper in the trees, "Tonight is Halloween!" ~ Dexter Kozen
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Post by gams on Nov 8, 2008 22:19:32 GMT -5
Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other. ~ Carol Saline
I'm here for ya, Sis. Change the background, okay?
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Post by Quettalee on Nov 9, 2008 8:56:56 GMT -5
I'm still here, my friend (and sis). We had sale at the shop yesterday...was there until almost 5. Bryan talked me into coming home with him last night. We watched a couple of movies and then I watched tv in "my room" until the wee hours. They are both early-to-bedders. And of course I was awake at daybreak. The mornings are still he hardest--lying there trying to figure out a purpose for even getting out of bed.
Anyhoo...I was thinking of calling you tonight if that's OK. Have been feeling the need for a few days now...promise I won't keep you half the night. Just want to hear your voice, I guess...and the way you say my name. OK, that was kinda funny. I actually gave Bryan a smart-a$$ answer to something last night and he said that was the first time in three weeks. I guess that's a good sign?
I can't change the background from here. For some reason, I have no admin. powers. I'll do it later from home.
I love ya, sis.
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Post by gams on Nov 9, 2008 9:13:33 GMT -5
Smart-ass is good. Call anytime; I'm home all day, and night.
Gotta run now though - just doing my morning check, and chaos surrounds me.
Hugs to you, Sis.
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Post by gams on Nov 17, 2008 7:56:40 GMT -5
Cloud hopping is for some; for others there are the stars - once they overcome the fear of the dark.
“Above the cloud with its shadow is the star with its light. Above all things reverence thyself.” ~ Pythagoras
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Post by gams on Dec 15, 2008 9:14:06 GMT -5
"The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief Is only a shadow When compared with the pain Of never risking love.” ~ Hilary Stanton Zunin
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Post by Quettalee on Dec 15, 2008 10:53:38 GMT -5
Umm...I've been struggling with this one a little since you posted, sis. In my head, I can reason it out and break it down by asking myself, "Was loving Mary and having those six years together worth the ache where my heart used to be and waking up every morning feeling like I need to vomit and then feeling like I can't catch a breath a dozen times a day?" I guess time is suppose to make me say "yes" to that question--without hesitation. My heart at this stage is not so convinced. I don't know. If I could erase the past six years to erase this hell...maybe. What good did that love do for Mary? It wasn't enough to quiet her demons or ease her pain enough to keep her from walking away. And maybe had I ignored her stupid cake fight way back there on the O2 board, she would've stayed out west, away from this crappy weather and she would'nt have had to deal with the seasonal depression on top of everything else. I'm not so sure at this point, that if I could turn back the clock, I would choose the same path. I believe Mary would still be alive if she hadn't met me. For more reasons than I can express here, but nonetheless, I feel like I did more harm than good for her. And the hard fact remains...she struggled her whole life to get away from this area and the people here...she did that. She met me and in less than a year after leaving here, she had to come back because I couldn't go out there. She was suicidal when I met her, but her "plan" was to see the girls to 18 and graduation. She hooks up with me and comes up 2 1/2 years short of her goal. So two more lives turned upside down on my watch. You do the math. I'm sorry, C. I bet you weren't expecting me to jump down your throat. Which I'm not. I just needed to vent, because the guilt part of this whole thing is consuming me all the time. I think in this case, the stakes were just too high. If we had just fallen out of love and she could've just taken the girls and went back out west, then I know it would've been worth the risk. But our love was as deep as any ocean and our relationship was tight and it still wasn't enough to take away enough of her sadness and burdens so she could just deal with the day-to-day. Don't be offended, please. I thought about deleting my post, but I just needed to rant about this because I ask myself these questions everyday. "What if she hadn't moved back here?" "What if I had tried a little harder and kept my mouth shut a little more often?" "Why couldn't I just take life one day at a time like she did instead of constantly worrying about the next week and next month?" As much as our love was, she still took on my baggage when we got together (as in any relationship) and as fragile as she was, I will never stop believing that it just got to be too much when she needed what strength she had for dealing with the girls and her own skeletons from the past. I love you, sis.
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Post by gams on Dec 15, 2008 11:34:18 GMT -5
I'm not offended, Quetta, and don't ever feel sorry for posting what you feel. But I do believe the message that is contained in the quote, or I wouldn't have posted it. Maybe...hopefully...one day you will feel the same.
Cuz, ya know, Sis - I ain't buying it. I realize there is a certain amount of guilt that comes with death of someone we love; "what could I have done differently to make her life better", and I'm certainly no expert, but I imagine that's got to be magnified with a suicide. But you said it yourself; Mary was suicidal her whole life. Loving you, despite any ups and downs you two might have had, must have been a bright spot in that life. People who share a love as deep as the ocean, do not "walk away" from the relationship without having gained, or asking "what good was the love?" Deep love can not be anything but good.
Turn the quote around, Quetta. Do you think Mary would have felt that your love was not worth the risk? I bet not.
Love ya too, Sis.
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Post by Quettalee on Dec 15, 2008 12:02:57 GMT -5
OK, you're probably right about this one. And I am coming to terms with the realization that I probably couldn't have ever prevented the outcome and at best, only prolonged it. The small amount of research that I've done and what my friend, Jane, tells me about her life and loss with her husband...along with what I feel in my heart...it was probably inevitable. It's just so hard to grasp and hold onto the cold hard fact that I wasn't strong enough or I couldn't take away enough of her pain to change her destiny. I guess that means I'm just human after all.
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katmandu
Kenin
kenin
Don't Mess With Me, I Bite! =D
Posts: 2,803
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Post by katmandu on Dec 16, 2008 20:18:39 GMT -5
I believe Mary would still be alive if she hadn't met me. For more reasons than I can express here, but nonetheless, I feel like I did more harm than good for her. Wasn't sure about posting here champ, there's nothing I can say that will even begin to be adequate, and nothing that Gams hasn't already said anyway. Will just say though that I've never been more sure about anything then I am about the statement above being wrong, from everything I came to know since "meeting" you and Mare I couldn't imagine two people who were more right for one another, or more in love, which makes me ask, if that's doing harm then what's the point of anyone forming a relationship. Rather then shortening Marys life I'd suggest you almost certainly extended it, not only by possibly an extra six years, but six of the happiest years she experienced. As Gams says, it's natural to feel guilt in a situation such as this, and to look for someone to blame, but if you feel the need to do this then direct it at those truly responsible, the people who made Mary the way she was, and not at yourself, champ the best thing in Marys troubled life was meeting you. Hope I haven't spoken out of turn, but just felt I needed to say it.
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Post by Quettalee on Dec 18, 2008 11:26:37 GMT -5
You haven't spoken out of turn, Kat, and I appreciate your candor. It's just constant...the questions that are never going to have answers, the emptiness where there used to a family with family laughs and family tears and family "noises" everyday. And her smile. Oh god, how I miss her smile and the way she used to look right into my heart and soul with those beautiful brown eyes. It was still amazing to me the last night we spent together how much like a "new" couple we were in so many ways--even with all the drama of day-to-day, we still laughed and giggled at each other and held hands in the car and she'd get that silly grin from ear to ear when she'd walk through the room and turn round and catch me watching her walk through the room. We still had all that. I've always believed that if you have a love like that, it will carry you through all the bad things. I found this song on a disc that Mary made for herself. I remember hearing it when she played it and I guess I believed that I was the one--the one that had made a difference in her life--the one that had taken away all the bad from her past. I guess I was just a temporary fix. Free in You...Indigo GirlsA hard knock A cold clock Ticking off my time A long look But no luck Couldn't seem to find Or unwind Into peace of mind While I was trying
A quick glance A big chance My heart beat like a drum I saw you And I knew Chances just don't come Round again Not like this First a laugh Then a kiss
And I'm free in you I've got no worries on my mind I know what to do That's to treat you right And love you kind Thank you ever on my mind Love is just like breathing When it's true And I'm free in you
The lost time And self pride Are my big mistakes A clear voice A bad choice Sounding like an ache In my day Not too bad But too real To go away
But now I'm free in you I've got no worries on my mind I know what to do That's to treat you right And love you kind Thank you ever on my mind Love is just like breathing When it's true And I'm free in you
And I don't know How you show Such gentle disregard For the ugly in me That I see That for so long I took so hard (I took so hard) And I truly believe (I truly believe) That you see the best in me (That you see the best in me) I'm in love We all love And that thought Sets me free
Free in you Got no worries on my mind I know what to do That's to treat you right And love you kind Thank you ever on my mind Love is just like breathing When it's true And I'm free in you Yes I'm free in you But I do believe with every breath I take that what we shared was special and I know that Mary also believed she had found true love, even if it was only for what seems now like a passing moment. Sometimes when I'd interrupt whatever we were doing or stop her long enough to make her look at me, and I'd tell her "I love you so much", she'd look back straight into my soul and say, "I know". And I know she knew. Damn another Thursday.
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Post by Quettalee on Jan 13, 2009 18:44:38 GMT -5
Wow. It still feels so surreal when I go back and reread all the posts--the feelings and the thoughts, the questions, the pain, the disbelief that this is actually my life now.
I know the the wounds have started mending--still there right beneath the surface--but like I've said in the other thread...each day that passes drags me kicking and screaming along the road and into another phase of life.
Anyhoo, I don't really have a "just the useless facts" thread, but I had to do the two-minute on death in threes...
Three on a Match (superstition) Wikipedia
Three on a match (also known as third on a match) is a supposed superstition among soldiers during World War I. The superstition goes that if three soldiers lit their cigarettes from the same match, one of the three would be killed or that the man who was third on the match would be shot. Since then it has been considered bad luck for three people to share a light from the same match.
The belief was that when the first soldier lit his cigarette, the enemy would see the light; when the second soldier lit his cigarette from the same match, the enemy would take aim; when the third soldier lit his cigarette from the same match, the enemy would fire.
There was in fact no such superstition during the First World War.[1] (The light would not be visible if the soldiers were in a trench or bunker, as they usually were when not attacking.) The superstition was alleged to have been invented about a decade later by the Swedish match tycoon Ivar Kreuger in an attempt to get people to use more matches but it appears he merely made very shrewd use of the already existing belief which may date to the Boer War.
The 1932 Hollywood film Three on a Match made use of the superstition, but also had a graphic of a "Believe it or Not" newspaper clip that explains Kreuger's exploitation of the superstition. The character in the film who is "third on the match" does die at the end of the picture, and the final scene depicts the surviving two sharing a match.
This superstition is also referenced in the opening scene of the 1945 Fritz Lang film noir classic Scarlet Street. The protagonist Christopher Cross (Edward G. Robinson) hesitates before allowing his boss to light his cigar after the boss had lit his own and a co-worker's. The boss asks whether Cross is superstitious, and the employee insists he is not, but the camera pans down to show that Cross crosses his fingers as if to ward off the bad luck. It's an ominous opening to a very dark film.
The satirical 1983 British film Bullshot starts out in the trenches of World War I with the hero of the story, Captain Hugh "Bullshot" Crummond, explaining the concept of "three on a match" to some of the young soldiers under his command.
A reference to the superstition is made at the start of the movie The Best Years of Our Lives when the three GIs are riding home in the front of the plane and light a second match to light the third cigarette.
A reference to the superstition was made in the American television series Mad Men,[2] including the fact that it was used in an attempt to sell more matches.
In the 1984 movie Bachelor Party, Tom Hanks' character declines an offer for drugs with "three on a lude is bad luck".
A reference to the superstition was made in the 1956 Popeye cartoon "I Don't Scare". Popeye, using a match to light three sticks of dynamite in arch nemesis Bluto's mouth, says "Three on a match is very bad luck."
There you go.
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Post by Quettalee on Jan 19, 2009 12:28:55 GMT -5
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.~Martin Luther King Jr.
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Post by gams on Jan 27, 2009 9:32:05 GMT -5
"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you." ~ Maori proverb
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Post by Quettalee on Mar 26, 2009 9:53:48 GMT -5
"I have loved to the point of madness; That which is called madness, That which to me, Is the only sensible way to love." F. Sagan
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