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Post by quettalee on Jul 12, 2007 19:35:03 GMT -5
Breakthrough honeybee drugs to treat Colony Collapse Disorder (satire)
Following the mysterious, accelerating collapse of honeybees across North America and Europe -- a condition dubbed "Colony Collapse Disorder" -- ConPfuzer, a top pharmaceutical company, has announced a new, patented medication designed to treat the disorder by drugging honeybees with psychotropic chemicals. ConPfuzer shares rose $14 in trading today as ConPfuzer's lead pharmaceutical entomologist created quite a buzz with his explanation of how the new drug -- called "Buzzalin" -- might work. "We have discovered that honeybees are suffering from a brain chemistry disorder," said Dr. B. Pollen, a top researcher at the company. "Our new drug, Buzzalin, has been clinically shown to control the symptoms of Colony Collapse Disorder while causing no more than two percent of the bees to commit suicide," Dr. Pollen explained.
Drug development tests were conducted on thousands of bees in the Midwest. Normally, 72 percent of bees suffering from Colony Collapse Disorder become mysteriously disoriented and cannot find their way back to the hive. But after treatment with Buzzalin, 99 percent of the bees returned to the hive on their own. Unfortunately, the other one percent of bees returned carrying automatic weapons which they used against fellow bees. The event made the evening news (because violence = ratings!) but was not considered an obstacle to FDA approval because "the drug benefits outweigh its risks," according to the FDA.
A panel of nine FDA drug safety experts approved the drug last week. Six of the nine have received consulting fees from ConPfuzer, and the other three were bribed with illicit pollination promises.
The buzz in psychiatry
The psychiatric community has reacted favorably to ConPfuzer's announcement. "We believe that honeybees need psychiatric care too," said Dr. Arthur Podd, a world authority on ADHD in animals and insects. "Up to 80 percent of honeybees may currently suffer from symptoms of Colony Collapse Disorder and not even know it," Dr. Podd said. "We need to set up screening and treatment centers to get these bees the medicine they need. No bee should be left untreated," he said.
But some skeptics questioned the need for using mental health drugs on honeybees. When ConPfuzer's Dr. Pollen was asked how such simple, tiny brains could be diagnosed with a behavioral disorder, he offered a stinging response. "No brain is too small to understand the need for psychiatric medicine!"
Side effect warning signs: Honeybesity
Side effects from Buzzalin are already starting to emerge. Honeybees that continue to take the drug for more than one month begin to experience significant weight gain, and many are being diagnosed with a new disease called, Honeybesity. "Overweight honeybees don't fly very well," explained Adrew Apis, a honeybee researcher working at the University of Missouri, Columbia. "Even if they make it out to the flower and collect some pollen, they sort of crash land back in the hive like a damaged fighter jet on an aircraft carrier, spilling their pollen granules all over the inside of the hive and getting their wings stuck in the honey."
But ConPfuzer has promised to come up with a new drug to treat Honeybesity. "Our goal is to end Honeybesity by making beekeepers pay the highest prices in the world for Buzzalin," explained Dr. Pollen. "We'll then take the profits from those sales and pay huge bonuses to our shareholders and CEOs. Whatever's left will be invested in the search for a cure for Honeybesity. We believe it is the obligation of American beekeepers to pay the highest prices in the world for medicine so that we can raise the money needed to search for yet more drugs that we can sell back to the same people at profiteering prices."
The U.S. Senate agreed, passing a law banning the importation of honeybees from other countries and mandating a national "honeybee mental health screening program" covering all honeybees currently in the United States. All such bees found to fly in zig-zag patterns will be deemed "Attention Deficit Hyperactive" and be put on Buzzalin or other patented drugs.
ConPfuzier has also funded a Colony Collapse Disorder support group that's designed to "keep honeybees on our drugs forever" while telling them they're actually getting well. A nationwide "Run For the Cure" event is also being organized that involves disturbing a hive of killer Africanized bees and watching them chase gullible consumers around a football field while they cough up cash for every mile survived.
Behind closed doors, Big Pharma executives are drooling over the market opportunities that have emerged from Colony Collapse Disorder. After successfully drugging most humans and pets through a campaign of medical domination, pharmaceutical companies have been looking into new markets for expansion. "Insects appear to be the next great frontier in pharmaceutical profits," proclaimed one press release sent out by the PHARMA trade group. "We see huge market opportunites in honeybees, spiders, ants and bed mites. Of course, we will also pursue new opportunities for drugging human infants and newborns, but the real growth in selling drugs will be found in turning insects into patients," the press release reported.
All that remains is convincing the public that bees actually have mental health diseases requiring chemical treatment. This is being accomplished through Big Pharma's new campaign that claims: "Insects are people, too!"
About Colony Collapse Disorder: This disease, also known as ADHBee, is caused by a brain chemistry imbalance in honeybees that makes them act like teenagers: They don't come home on time, and even when they do show up, they smell like pollen and refuse to say where they've been. Although this article is a joke, the disorder is real, and honeybee populations are collapsing all across North America and Europe. Click here to read our previous article on Colony Collapse Disorder or click here to read the Wikipedia entry.
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